“How you perceive a situation says a lot more about what happened to you in the past than what’s happening to you now.” I heard this quote from another therapist recently and it reminded me of the importance of mental filters and their impact on how we feel and react. Our brains have so many ways of holding on to narratives, patterns and emotional blueprints, and, while all are in an effort to keep us safe, help us make sense of the world and protect us from uncertainty, they can also keep us repeating similar plotlines in our lives.
How Mental Filters Cause Conflict
This comes up often within our relationships and is often at the source of our interpersonal conflicts. One partner behaves in a way they feel was totally innocent, but somehow it elicits a major reaction from the other. While one partner was trying to be helpful by cleaning up and organizing their partner’s space (they grew up often getting praised and thanked for putting in this kind of effort), the other partner perceived this as a message that they are a burden or that
their spontaneous, messy self was unacceptable after a lifetime of feeling rejected for that very quality. They immediately feel judged and shamed, and they express anger and hurt towards their partner. The discrepancy between the filters of two people highlights the way reality is often perceived differently by different viewers.
Outside of relationships, it can be harder to see, but it’s always there. Maybe a pattern of powerlessness shows up when, after a big, public failure in your past, you start to view any setback or constructive feedback as a closed door or a sign you can’t do it. It starts as a means to protect ourselves from being hurt again, but the result is an addition to our filter, skewing our perception of the opportunities we have and causing you to give up more and more on your goals and dreams.
Our Brain is Often An Unreliable Narrator
When you think about all of our life experiences and how each might color our filter differently, it makes sense that the brain can be an unreliable narrator of what’s truly happening around us – especially when it feels out of control and unsafe. It fills in the blanks with worst case scenarios, it jumps to feelings we had a long time ago, and it defaults to replicating a situation we know can happen based on our years of experiences – especially the scary ones. For those struggling with their mental health, some of these filters have gotten thick and opaque, making them feel stuck and the skewed version of reality feel inescapable. For me, as a therapist who primarily uses acceptance and commitment therapy, this is a sign that sometimes, we have to kick our brain out of the driver’s seat and operate from our core self and our values instead for a while.
Whether or not you feel major impacts of mental filters in your life, a healthy dose of curiosity can always help support a balanced view of yourself and the world around you to keep the filters at bay. Rather than taking your initial perception as fact, take a moment to consider the facts, scan for thought traps, and consider the ways your past might be coloring this experience. And if you find yourself at war with your brain, find your values and go from there.
If you need some support understanding and working through your mental filters, the therapists at The Mindly Group are here to support you.
Kelsey Terrell is a Graduate Student Intern with the Mindly Group studying Mental Health Counseling.
