Suffering = Pain x Resistance is a common equation used to represent how our reaction to the problems and pains we encounter can amplify the negative experience. Often, there are elements of resistance at play with many of the patterns we seek mental health support to unravel. Maybe it’s waves of loneliness that someone resists feeling by numbing with binge eating or substance use. Maybe a vicious inner critic was developed in the hopes of resisting the discomfort they feel in social situations, or they withdraw and avoid social situations altogether. This reaction of resistance compounds the initial suffering creating extra consequences to their quality of life. It’s an easy tendency to adopt as we react to life’s inevitable pains and try to protect ourselves from the negative feelings we experience.
Oftentimes, we humans hold beliefs that negative emotions are unsafe to feel, that it means you are doing something wrong, or that there is a version of human life that is perfect and pain-free if you just plan smarter and work hard enough to make sure of it. These perspectives impact the way we feel, think and behave when pain arises in our lives. Rather than accepting and feeling the pain, our attempt to resist and control them spiral the pain into bigger patterns and problems
in our lives that grow over time. On a small scale, think about having to get up extra early for work or another obligation – if you’re a night owl like me, that always comes with a little dose of disappointment or frustration! Resistance might look like spending your night trying to think of a way to get out of it or stewing
over why it shouldn’t be so early. Maybe you engage in a little revenge bedtime procrastination to protest the circumstances. Your alarm goes off, and you hit snooze, and then snooze again, trying to fight for more sleep. Now you are on track to be late, so you have to skip the special coffee you enjoy making in the morning and rush around the house trying to get ready instead. You snap at your spouse for asking you a question when you’re clearly running behind. You’re
officially late on the drive there, so every red light makes you want to scream. You get to your destination, and you are frazzled and cranky. The bad mood persists most of the day. What started out as a minor inconvenience turned into a rotten night, a chaotic morning, and an all- around bad day. Likely, you leave that day riddled with self-judgment, guilt and shame to top it off. Or maybe you blame having to get up early – fueling an amplified pattern to take hold next
time around! If you are used to reacting with resistance, there might be endless moments of inconvenience and negative emotions you encounter each day that spiral into bigger moods, patterns and subsequent consequences in your life. So, how do we change the course? The antidote to resistance is acceptance. Acceptance, to me, is one of the most challenging skills to start to adopt. In a world that, in many ways, rewards productivity and perseverance, it’s hard to know where to draw the line between acceptance and complacency. I believe the answer lies in the timing and the cost. Are you responding to a situation thoughtfully over time, or are you reacting to a situation in the moment? If your first reaction to an early morning, the possibility of awkwardness in a social situation or feeling lonely is to fight or flee, it’s time to work on acceptance. If giving all night and all day to resist a 15-minute negative experience feels like too high a cost, it’s time to work on acceptance. What does acceptance look like?
Acceptance is a muscle you can grow by practicing reacting to little pains differently. Acceptance might look like staying in the present moment with the pain as it is, making space for it and responding with self-compassion instead of resistance. If you can start to recognize the fact that pain is an inevitable part of human life, you are already halfway there! There is no way out of experiencing negative feelings in life, so, if you can’t get out of it, get into it! Embracing negative emotions and giving ourselves grace when they pop up keeps them moving. Remind yourself that resisting those tough emotions and experiences just gives them
power to disrupt your life in bigger ways. Picture yourself in a little boat in the ocean with a storm rolling in… sometimes there is no sense paddling and it’s time to drop your anchor in the present moment and just ride those waves. Trust that the skies always clear, and then you can pull out a map and decide where to paddle to next!
If you need support breaking patterns of resistance or finding the pain point at the root of your suffering, therapists at The Mindly Group are here to help!
Kelsey Terrell is a Graduate Student Intern with the Mindly Group studying Mental Health Counseling.
