Protecting your peace is all the rage these days! Now that we, as a society, have come to embrace important mental health practices like self-care and boundaries, let’s talk about the other end of the spectrum: avoidance.
It can be so tempting to distance yourself from things that stir up emotion, feel uncertain or are inconvenient or uncomfortable – especially when protecting your peace is the new norm. However, the truth is, many of life’s most beautiful and meaningful things lie on the other side of that discomfort – I know… how annoying! Think about building community, strengthening relationships, reaching goals and chasing dreams – all of these require you to let a little hard stuff come along for the ride. There is little growth and progress in life without some discomfort, uncertainty, and inconvenience.
True signs of strong mental health are resilience and adaptability – the ability to find your way back to peace when you experience struggle. Think about physical health – you exercise and challenge your muscles to strengthen them! You don’t avoid using your body to protect your muscles. In other words, you need some struggle to stay strong! Preventing challenges to protect your peace can go from “not overdoing it and hurting yourself at the gym” (honoring your needs with self-care and boundaries) to “never going to the gym at all” (avoidance) pretty fast. To ensure you are using practices like self-care and boundaries in ways that best serve you and your mental health, let’s look at their true purpose.
Self-care and boundaries are all about honoring yourself, your needs, your values and your beliefs. If you desire a strong group of friends, believe community is important or are in need of connection, then self-care isn’t always staying home and resting with a glass of wine and a bubble bath. Self-care might mean honoring those values and needs and welcoming discomfort by reaching out to friends and going to that event – even when it feels a little scary, uncomfortable or taxing. If an old friend is reaching out frequently to chat, and you find yourself overwhelmed by the level of communication, boundaries do not automatically call for cutting someone off. It might mean having a tough conversation with that person about your needs and desires for friendship to resolve the misalignment in the relationship.
The next time you’re feeling that pull to cancel and stay home, tune in for a moment. Ask yourself “Why do I want to cancel?” “What is the best way to truly honor myself, my needs, my values and my beliefs?” “How full is my “fun” cup?” “How full is my “connection” cup?” “How full is my “novelty” cup?” You might find these cups are overflowing and your need for rest and alone time is the priority, but you also might find that truly honoring yourself means following through with those plans and experiencing some discomfort to get there. Tuning into your true self is essential to decipher between that natural impulse for ease and your inner needs, desires and values. With a few mindful seconds, you can better navigate the balance between important self-care and boundaries, and falling into the avoidance trap.
There will continue to be more ways than ever to avoid discomfort and effort as technology develops to solve every inconvenience. The less ingrained difficulty is in our day-to-day lives, the stronger the default setting to avoid it will be even when it serves you. It is up to the individual to pursue discomfort and inconvenience for themselves in order to have the mental health muscles to build, find, maintain and achieve the things they value. Consider trying something you might fail at. Put yourself out there to make new friends. Sit in the silence without your screens. Join a club. Have a difficult conversation. Tell someone how you feel. Ask for what you need. Challenge your peace a little, so you can build the strength to create a life you love!
As always, if you find yourself in an avoidance pattern, or find you need help honoring your needs, learning about your values, setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, coping with discomfort or deciphering between avoidance and your true self, the clinicians at The MindlyGroup are here to help!
Kelsey Terrell is a Graduate Student Intern with The Mindly Group studying Mental Health Counseling.
